Sigmund Freud: Analyze This...

On a recent account of my life I have come to the bitter and totally unwished conclusion that I live in a contradiction. On one hand, I hate feeling depressed- I feel defeated and I dispise myself for that. But on the other hand, I sometimes find myself seeking depressing moments on purpose; like if I, for some weird reason, actually wanted to feel sad... I don't understand that. As I write this I find myself in one of those moments in which I just want to cry; to feel all around me nothing but peace and silence (even the sound of the keyboard, which has become an everyday thing, is now way too disturbing) and after realizing this, I can't help wandering the reason of this need to attrack and yet reject sadness, both at the same time. As you can imagine, feeling that constant pulling in my head leaves me quite dizzy and I think that would explain why I often shift moods in a matter of seconds: when I feel I'm going down, I try to be up again using anything I might have at reach; but that tires me almost inmediately, and I guess it's because even though I try to supress it and hide it, what made me go down in the first place is still there, so I go down again... and the whole thing becomes a neverending variation of feelings, from suicidally sad to suicidally blissful. And adding to all these comes the fact that, whenever I find myself "trying to be ok" I feel like I'm lying to myself, and whenever I find myself "trying to be down" I feel like I'm being too comfortable so as not to face my problems.

I think it's hard being a person, a human being, a woman... but I think it's not only hard but also very confusing being me- I just can't understand my personality... sometimes I can be freezing cold and sometimes I can overbearing fiery; sometimes I feel dangerously vulnerable and sometimes I feel completely indestructible. What's really tiring it's the fact that there's never a point in between the two extremes.

Perhaps what I must do it's to choose one of the two and try to stick to it as much as possible... however, I've tried this before, but I failed in the very instant that I started needing that other part... maybe in some bizarre way, both oppositions complement each other... maybe there's no me without any of those parts. But then again, what's the point of being ok if when I get it I'll miss being down, and vice versa? I don't get it... if someone feels the same and has the anwer please tell me what to do. I'ts almost like having two personalities; like being fake to those around me; like a two-faced mirror.

In the Arms of an Angel, fly away from here...